This is going to be a bit different.
I’m pretty sure you know that feeling, there is this really important thing, let’s say a screenplay or the idea for a screenplay. You love it, you never felt about an idea like that before. You can see every scene clearly in front of you. You know, or at least you think you know all the twists and turns and the ending, oh the ending, it’s going to be marvellous.
You just know that this is going to be it, the screenplay that launches your career or wins you an Academy Award or whatever dream you’re trying to achieve. You get this warm feeling when you think about writing it and you can’t wait to have the finished product in front of you. It’s not just a screenplay anymore, it turns into the whole reason for your existence. You and your idea become one, your blood flows though this unfinished thing waiting to reveal who you really are, who you’ve been all along.
I probably sound a bit crazy but please indulge me, it will make sense.
Ok, so you’re picturing this perfect unwritten screenplay. Now imagine that you’re not getting the chance to write it. It’s not even your fault. It’s just not meant to be. There are thousands of reasons why this might happen and all of the suck. Some reasons might be your fault but even if you solved all the issues, it still wouldn’t work. Not being able to write this thing just drains the life out of you. You know that it would be the best thing ever, but your “relationship” to the script is like those star-crossed lovers. It’s just not meant to be and it’s not even your fault. All you want is the chance to write that screenplay and find out if it’s as great as you imagined but that fucking screenplay doesn’t want to be written.
Still with me? Ok, so when do you stop obsessing over this? When do you move on? Can you move on? We all know that’s probably best to move on and not obsess too much but you’re just so in love with the idea and there’s this little part of your brain that just won’t accept the fact that it’s not going to work out for you and that screenplay. But that little part won’t shut up and even though you want it to shut up, there’s an other little part that doesn’t want that other little part to shut up because it want’s all those things you imagined that script might get you.
In fact, your brain is going crazy at the moment. You know what you’re supposed to do and you might even want to do “the right” thing but giving up on the screenplay feels like giving up on all your dreams. It feels like giving up on your last chance to be happy. You know that it isn’t, there are other ideas probably even better ones, easier ones, not so complicated, not so annoying, not so…. but these ideas are not the idea you have in your mind right know and you can’t come up with another idea because it feels like cheating on the best idea you ever had.
I’m so screwed. Good thing I’m going away for two weeks. I hope I can clear my mind and who knows, maybe the idea suddenly becomes more cooperative or maybe I’ll finally be able to move on. I honestly don’t know what I would prefer. I know that one of the options is highly unlikely but I feel the same about the other. I’m just so screwed. Why did I have to come up with that stupid idea. Everything would be so much easier, but then again, life isn’t supposed to be easy. Life is hard but unfair… and yes, it’s not really about a screenplay.